Brenda contacted me just a few days ago and told me that she and her husband, Bill, are moving away next weekend and she wanted to see if I could make time for a last-minute family portrait session for them and their two kids, Rayne and Tyler (and Tyler’s fiancee, JoAn).

Well, it turns out that Brenda and Bill’s story is remarkably similar to mine when I moved from Albany (in NorCal) with Mr. Susan down to Pasadena soon after my daughter Jen turned 18. Moving away from your adult children is so hard. It’s like…well, it’s sorta indescribable and difficult to put into words unless you’ve gone through it. That whole sensation of abandoning your child and/or feeling like she’s been ripped from your arms: Even though your head knows the difference, your hearts feels just this overwhelming grief-like sadness and guilt.

When I arrived, the mood was kinda dark and it hung over the house like a cloud. Brenda told me she’d like it if I could capture what was going on in their lives–including the distance and sadness that the kids were going through. I have to say, it wasn’t hard to capture that; all I really needed to do was make sure my camera was turned on.

I just finished uploading the images and while I was scrolling through them to take a quick first look, I spotted this one. God, I love this image! It tells a lot (tons!) about who they are:

I was lining everyone up for a kind of group hug thing, and I placed my camera on the ground. Brenda made mention of my feet shots (it’s totally true, I do have a thing for feet shots, but doesn’t everyone?), and Bill said something like, “wow, you can bend down really far.”

And then, just like a bunch of kids, everyone there just bent over to see how far they could bend. They did it all at the same time, without a word to one another, and I thought this was hysterical! You know, adults don’t usually do this kind of thing, especially when there’s someone with a camera pointed at them. But that they all did it in unison said a lot to me about this family.

I could see how extremely close they all are (even JoAn, who is marrying into a family that was made for her, second maybe only to her own); how fun and playful they are, and how Brenda and Bill have raised adults who will never forget how to be a kid, because they never forgot.

I have some really sweet shots to share with Brenda and her family, and you, but today, I think this is the shot Brenda needs to see.

I think it will touch her in a way that goes back to that whole “leaving your baby and wondering if the world is going to eat them up” thing.

Brenda, the world is not going to eat your babies. But the opposite may very well be true. I’ll be talking to you soon.

T’s doctor said something that really sparked my imagination: He said, “people come up to you and say, ‘how are you doing?’ when they should be asking, ‘how are you being?’ We’re not human doings, he continued, “we’re human beings.”

I think there’s a lot to be said for just being. Being in the moment, for example; being in your own space, being present, in the here and in the now.

I thought, “wow, that’s the perfect way to phrase this last blog post about my project, I am the Fourth (with Long Beach’s The Village, a program of Mental Health America).

I hope this project has inspired you; I hope it’s lightened your heart, broadened your awareness, lifted you to another sense of being. I hope it’s removed that mindset of “uh-oh, that person coming toward us looks crazy, let’s cross the street.”

To the photographers I know: I hope this project has lit a fire in your brain (and under your ass) to do something locally for the people of your town. Give them a piece of you, and you will receive it back tenfold.

To the families who don’t understand what your their & daughters and husbands & wives are going through and are losing patience: I hope this gives you a glimpse into what they’re fighting. I hope this help you draw you nearer  instead of the Pushing Away.

The those in government who want to continually slash the budgets of agencies whose sole purpose is to get these people back on their feet and into society: They, we, I, am part of your community. I can be a drain or an asset, but it’s up to you and the care you give me.

Lastly, to those of you suffering from something you don’t know the name of: I hope this project has given you even the tiniest bit of courage to seek out help; talk to others, talk to me if you need to. Get the help you need and deserve.

I didn’t want to ramble on with this last post, so let’s get to the good stuff.

[Now, a short footnote: You know that I'm about the humanity inside people, not necessarily the "pretty" on the outside. I'm about the funny expressions, the little faces we all make, the photos that some people might call "outtakes." To me, a photo that shows someone with their guard down, that shows even a moment of their true self is far more precious than a "nice" picture of someone smiling for my camera.]

Without further ado, here are my favorite portraits of humans, being.

This year has been about changes for my work; like, lots of them and in a very basic way.

I’m no longer doing big weddings, which I’ve talked about a few times here, so that’s no surprise. I’m also concentrating more on personal projects (like my recent portrait sessions at The Village), volunteer (see same), and portraiture. Portraits are my first love, but I’m beginning to wonder if I should call them something different (you’ll see why: keep reading).

Anyway, I’ve received several emails recently asking if I photograph kids. I never used to; in fact, I just realized yesterday that I had only one or two kids in my 2-Legged gallery here on the site (I’ve since fixed that, by the way). So when people bring that up, I usually point them to one particular photo. This, to me, is a perfect portrait of that brother & sister. And the mom agreed; it was her favorite, even above the “nicer” photos, because that photo was taken at a moment that happens everyday in that mother’s house.

As you can imagine, I took a ton of photos of my kid as she was growing up, and my favorites by far are not the ones where she’s sitting nice and smiling. They’re the ones where she’s ignoring me, off doing her own thing, or having a meltdown, or, actually, the best is the one where she’s puking onto her father’s lap. My favorite, ever, photo of myself was taken the day my brother got a new bike for his First Communion. I’m just at the edge of the frame, crying my eyes out because I didn’t get one too.

There is something to be said for having “nice” photos, and there are some great photographers who do that style just exquisitely. If that’s what you’re into, I can point you to some superstars (if you’re in Michigan, you must go to Melissa, at A Girl in Love Photography) because nobody does that style better than M.

Now me, I specialize in the messier side of life. And here’s why: these photos remind me to just go with it. Don’t sweat the small stuff. That seems obvious to a lot of moms (or so they’d claim), but when you’re in the thick of it, it’s very, very easy to forget. Looking back someday on these photos of Em smacking her big brother is going to bring a tear to Eva’s eyes, because that’s who those kids are! Man, I just can’t describe how thrilling it is for me to get an opportunity to get someone as they truly are. Kids are just naturally moreso because they haven’t learned those filters yet; they haven’t learned how to “play nice” and “keep your friends close but your enemies closer.” Kids just are. Period.

I love love love these kids and had such a blast shooting them. Em didn’t trust me at all. I mean, why should she? She can decide that for herself, thank you, and it wasn’t actually till we met again and I made her some tin foil jewelry that we really bonded. And Ashton…Ashton blows my mind. In the little time I spent with him, I can already see the amazing man he’s going to grow to be. It’s in the way he treats his mother and his sister. Especially his sister.

So this is the long answer to the short question “do you shoot kids?”

I do. But consider yourself forewarned. This is likely what you’ll come away with.

For those of you who already know me, it’s:

Man, That Was Fucking Amazing!

See the benefit of knowing me?

Ok, so, here’s an update. Today was the last day of my project, I Am the Fourth, that I did for the members of The Village (a program of Mental Health America). Today is the day I got to deliver the prints. Of course I have to blog about this, but really, I was thinking on the drive home, “what am I going to say?”

To say it was amazing is insufficient at best (“lame” is more like it). I mean, I’m sitting here with the a horror movie on, the sound off, and my 70s mix playing on my computer (and yes, Bee Gees and The Captain & Tenille are in that mix), and I’m trying to put into words this feeling I have without sounding trite or sappy or stupid and I don’t know if there’s even a way for me to verbalize it. That’s a big deal. The list of “Things That Make Susan Speechless, For Real” has so far, in all of 51 years, accumulated only one permanent resident: GW Bush.

I’m not a people person, at least, I’ve never thought of myself as one. I’m not mushy. When strangers hug me, I don’t hug back. I have been known (truly, this is true) to make little children cry just by saying “hi” to them in the store. We have a saying in my family: “Susan’s not a people person; she’s a dead people person.” (That’s a nod to my preference to stay home and watch horror movies than go out and, you know, socialize.)

Today, I am humbled. I feel blessed by the Universe. I feel that I did something that was more than taking a picture and giving someone a print. I feel that I became a better person today. Not because I did something for someone else, but because a bunch of people did something for me. They elevated me. They helped me rise above myself and become a better person. Hang in here with me for a few, because I always write these posts in a stream of consciousness and I may be approaching an epiphany.

I mean, I get mad when I have to reset my Roku. A streaming movie that skips can, and has, ruined my evening. But today I gave a woman a framed photo of herself, and she hugged me. And as she walked away, she said, “I’ve  never had a photo of myself.”

Yeah.

I think that sums up really well what I’m feeling today. And yeah, today, I hugged back.

Photo gallery to come. Not today though; today I’m going to spend the day counting my blessings, starting with the two who are at my feet, begging for a slice of orange.

These photos are a gift that I was given today: Hilary, that sneaky woman over at The Village, made copies of my blog and had everyone whose portrait I took secretly write a thank-you to me as they were signing their model releases. I had no idea she did this, and I’ve read only a few of the pages so far, but I’m going to savor them all today. For many days, and years, to come.

So. May is Mental Health Month, a tradition started in 1949 by Mental Health America, with the idea of increasing awareness of mental health and helping those who suffer from it. Chances are, you know someone whose life has been touched by mental health; maybe it’s even you. Maybe you’re afraid to talk about it, or tell anyone. Maybe that’s the reason you don’t get help for yourself.

But you know me, right? You’ve seen me around here for years on Flickr, Facebook, my blog, and generally all over the sites you’re not supposed to cruise while you’re at work. (But not the porn sites; I’m not there so don’t go looking for me.)

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) almost fifteen years ago, but I suffered for it for years without knowing what it was–that it was even “different” than how anyone else felt–and cheated myself out of a lot of things because I didn’t get help. I had my first panic attack at 21, and like I said, I didn’t know what it was but I know it scared the shit out of me. I had a spate of attacks that year, then it was dormant till I was about 28. Then it came back big time, and by that time my daughter was in grade school and my then-husband didn’t understand what I was going through at.all. Neither did my family. It was diminished. There was talk of “sending [me] away,” which I can tell you right now made me want to take everything I’d said back. It made me never want to talk about it again.

I didn’t want to be alone with the kids (mine, or my stepdaughter). I didn’t want to go to parties, I didn’t want to drive, I didn’t want to leave the house. My mom did my grocery shopping for several weeks before I finally did see a doctor. Dr. Doctor was his name. Seriously.

After he told me what he thought my problem was, I looked him straight in the eye and asked him, very genuinely, “Do you know anything about mental health?” My experience with that doctor didn’t help me and in many ways it made me worse. But again, it lasted only a few months and then was dormant again.

And on I lived.

Like I said, almost 15 years ago (and after the death of my most-beloved dog, Stiggy), I had some sort of breakdown that I thought was depression. After speaking with my therapist, who sent me to a psychiatrist, I was told that I would need to get onto meds immediately, and I would probably be on them for the rest of my life.

I was with Mr. Susan, whom I was dating at the time, in my car when I got that news. I pulled over and cried and cried. I thought I was “damaged.” I thought Mr. Susan should leave me. I wasn’t like anyone else. I was different. I wasn’t normal.

Wow.

It took a lot of years to accept the fact that I was taking meds in the first place, let alone that I would have to keep taking them. Luckily, I had an amazing support system: Mr. Susan, who never once made me feel less of anything for taking my meds, and my daughter (who I didn’t even tell for months because I was afraid of the way she would see me), and they continue to support me.

So you know I’ve been working with The Village (a program of Mental Health America) here in Long Beach; giving the members family portraits through your amazingly generous donations. I took portraits over a 2-day period of members and of staff, and I’m not going to be specific when I start showing the photos. Some people didn’t want their photos shared, and that’s ok. Most did,  they were eager to tell their stories in the hope of helping someone else. Doesn’t that just blow your mind?

It does mine.

The framed prints arrive here tomorrow, and I’ve set a date to deliver them next week. Honestly, I can’t wait. I’m so excited to see everyone again; to see how happy they’re going to be when they get their prints (for some, the first time they’ve had their photo taken all together). Something like a photo, that I take for granted every time I click the shutter, is so precious and rare to them. It’s taught me a lot about not taking things for granted: my meds, my friends, my family, and people who need or want my help.

So I thought it would be a good idea to kick-off Mental Health Month with the story of someone you know: me. And, of course, a few photos from the project I thought you’d get a kick out of seeing some of these, but believe me, I have lots more, and a huge variety, to show you.

Oh, and the title of this post: it’s the mission for MHA’s 2012 Mental Health Month. See, it’s estimated that one of four American adults suffer from a diagnosable, treatable mental health disorder. I don’t know how many get the help they need, but I have a feeling it’s not bundles.

If you’ve been watching my Facebook posts, and my blog posts, about my project and about this issue in general, go do something for your local branch of MHA. Take their pictures; teach them to take pictures, or draw, or write stories or poems. Or just go talk to them. Listen to them. Volunteer.

And if this all applies to you too and you’re not getting the help you need, ask for it. You have at least one person who is willing to listen to you, even if you’re all alone.

You have me. I take meds, and I understand.

Enjoy the photos. More to come.

Way before I was shooting clients at Union Station in downtown LA, I was shooting there for fun. Not only gorgeous, but it’s the only landmark building I can think of off the top of my head that is so photographer-friendly. They don’t just let you shoot there, they’re super nice about it; I’m even able to bring in my tripod (which is usually a dead giveaway to cops & security that you’re a professional photographer and hence, should be evicted from the premises immediately).

Andrea & Josh are getting married this year at The Oviatt Pethouse, a magnicifent location that’s all about vintage and retro. [Think '30s glamour; white satin and hardwood vanities.] Their wedding is going with the vintage theme, and before we even talked it over, we all knew that their engagement session had to happen at Union Station. I mean, hello? Pot, meet Kettle!

I love love love when I get to shoot a couple who’s a bit offbeat. Not into the “standing in the field holding a balloon” thing (seriously, when are we going to stop doing that?), we went for a sort of “movie stars on a getaway” theme. It was so awesome. I created and printed out two vintage looking ticket holders and when Andrea used them to shield their faces so she could sneak a kiss to Josh, I knew we were all thinking exactly alike. From her fake fur stole & her matte red lipstick (I’ve heard from an expert that cornstarch is the key to this, in case you were wondering) and Josh’s adorable hat, they both came dressed perfectly in character. Eeep! Perfection happens.

We were able to work really freely, without hassle, and spend our time moving from location to location within the station. That’s actually the hardest part of shooting there; deciding exactly what part of the gorgeousness you want to focus on. There’s so much eye candy, it’s kind of like being a kid in a candy store…with your mom’s wallet! The only downside to shooting there (and truly, there is only one), it’s that the station can get quite crowded. Other people are fine in the shot, but wearing Hello Kitty backpacks and Dodger t-shirts…well, that can sort of kill the mood in my photos, you know? That’s why I make people stand perfectly still so we get what looks like ghosts moving past them (hmmm…I’ve heard stories of the station being haunted; maybe not all the wisps you see here are taking the Blue Line).

Shooting the bride & groom in their formal wear for the wedding is going to be beyond over the top; just as their e-session went. Those of you who know me even a little know that I’m about as far from glamorous as you can get, but these two totally have enough to spare. I’ll be borrowing some for that evening.

So. I thought I’d give you another peek at the progress on my MHA The Village (a program of Mental Health America) portrait shoot. I’m really stoked to be working on these images; I’ve culled them, picked out the best ones for final prints and have made basic adjustments in Lightroom. Next I’ll work on these in Photoshop until I get everyone looking their Sunday best (or whatever our best is these days) and then I’ll order the frames. (By the way, sorry for the big watermark, but I’m sure you’ll understand the importance of these images staying where I put them and not being used for other purposes.)

It’s seriously difficult for me to not just send everything I have over to Hilary right now. I know that everyone who participated (hey, did I tell you that we had well over 60 people have their portrait taken??) is super anxious to get their photos, and personally, I cannot wait until the day I take all the bubble-wrapped goodies down to hand out. That will be an experience that will be hard to beat.

I loved getting to know these people (the blacked out photos are those of the people who did not want their photos shared); I loved hearing their stories and I have to tell you, all of them were pretty generous with the details of their lives. Hilary helped get people at ease by asking them general questions about what makes them happy, what they like to do, stuff like that. We got some funny answers that really did make us LOL, and we got some tears of gratitude as well as tears of accomplishment. You know how you can be talking about something that was enormously impactful in your life, and you just start to cry? It was like that for lots of folks. It was amazing for them to share this; not just their stories, but their selves.

Mr. Susan observed, on the second day, that everyone had such amazing stories; we had poets, writers, artists, mothers, victimized women…everyone’s story was like a movie of the week, without the cheese. You know, as you walk down the streets of your city, you probably pass people like these everyday. Society doesn’t see them; maybe sometimes you don’t either. Don’t feel guilty; let’s face it, it’s sometimes easy to overlook them. But I’ll bet if you stopped one or two and just started a conversation, you’d be floored at who you find yourself talking to. I know some street photographers who know how this is. It’s why they shoot what they shoot. I get that. Totally.

So. Back to work.

… (sometimes) to return someone’s self-confidence & pride.

I think I can say with certainty that last week’s Portrait Days at Long Beach’s The Village (a program of Mental Health America) was a total success. We were booked solid both days and barely had time to take a break. Normally that would make me a little cranky (shooting is more tiring than it looks, and hey! I love my breaks), but on those two days, I didn’t mind so much. So, yay!

Right now, I’m culling the digital images, (I’ve already got dozens of favorites picked out to share with you!!), but I did get back the film rolls I shot. I had double prints made and created an album for Hilary (my main squeeze over there at The Village and the most amazing, most organized client I’ve ever dealt with). She helped refine the releases and get them signed, she made the sign-up sheets, booked the appointments and made sure everyone understood what we were doing and what we were asking. We were extra careful about that last part because we wanted to make sure all requests to not share portraits on this blog or on my site were honored.

Yesterday I got to make the first delivery to Hilary: a photo album filled with one set of photos, and a package of the extra set of prints that she can give out to all the participants.

But that’s just the beginning. Because of all you amazing people, I still have the framed prints to order, and the wallets as well. (Remember that we were originally going to give everyone a small album of 4x6s, but lots of the people who participated really had no way of keeping hold of a photo album). The framed prints, we were told by nearly everyone, were going to their families, who I’m sure are going to be over the moon when they see them! Again I have to say, Yay!

I know it’s not much, but all of you were so generous and wonderful about contributing to this project, I want to keep you updated every step of the way. Thanks again, lovelies. You’ve no idea who much you were/are all appreciated (and how many times you were thanked). Seriously, it was ridiculous.

So. Today was day 1 of our Family Portraits days for MHA Village (a program of Mental Health America), and it was so awesome! We had far more appointments that we thought we were going to have, and everyone we met was just terrific! I especially loved that some people brought their pets to be photographed with them (you know this is going to straight to my heartstrings, right?).

Before I go any further, I want to thank again all of you who have donated to help make this project more than a wish but a reality. We heard so many times today “we don’t have any pictures of us together” that it broke my heart a little bit more each time. The woman pictured below with her dog was overjoyed at the prospect of finally have a nice picture of them together. She was so excited about seeing them–as was everyone who came in today–that I want to get everything done now! Like, right away now!

We had families, couples, individuals, and people with their pets and some staff members too. It was such a great day, and I just can’t express how wonderful it was to finally reach this day on the calendar and see how stoked people were getting over a simple photograph. These people also reminded me how much I take my photos for granted; and how much I take the impact of my work for granted. If I want a professional photo of myself & Mr. Susan all I have to do is walk into our studio (which is in our home) and take one. One young woman with her daughter told us today that’s it’s nearly impossible for her to get photos of them together because of the bus ride.

How can you hear these things and not be affected? Especially those of you reading this, because so many of you are photographers; either hobbyists or professional.

The best part for me was seeing my skills put to the best use possible. Of course I love my paying jobs–the weddings, the portrait sessions, and things like that–but the gratitude and excitement I saw today just blew my mind. It was tremendously happy and sad at the same time, and it made me feel, for probably the first time, that my work was really impactful, in a way that I’ll probably never really “get” (during one of our breaks today, I told Mr. Susan, “not only do we not have to deal with these kinds of issues, but we also have each other. It’s like we won the life lottery”).

I’m also really happy to tell you that most people are OK with their images being shared with you; and for that I am deeply grateful. But I wanted to give you a quick peek at what your donations is helping to make happen. I’ll probably post a couple more after tomorrow’s shoot, and then in a couple of weeks I’ll be able to show you most of the members (and some staff) who took part in what I hope to be an annual event at MHA Village.

In the meantime, please please pass it on that we’re still collecting money for the photos. Remember: everyone gets a framed photo for their home and a small album with 10-20 4×6 photos in it (and maybe some wallet-sized photos as well–it depends on whether or not we raise that much). But like I said, today was much, much busier than we thought it was going to be, and tomorrow is the last day, so we’re expected many more than the dozen or so we already have scheduled.

The Chip-In (http://jackandrt.chipin.com/family-portrait-day-for-mentally-ill-and-their-families_) that I created to fund the photos will be active until next month, and all donations, no matter how small, really add up. So, if you haven’t had a chance to donate yet, please consider doing so this week.

Thanks again. You guys rock.

Yeah, I do that a lot. Almost every day, actually. And on the days when I don’t happen to be in my local In-n-Out (hey, that happens occasionally), I’ll often use whatever ladies’ room is around. Only one rule; it has to be a public restroom.

I know what you’re saying. Your’e saying, “ewwwwww….” I know you are; I’ve heard it before. I used to work with a guy (hi, Rusty!) who delighted in telling what scientists found on the floor of public restrooms. Ok, fair enough: but I don’t sit on the floor! He has a fear of touching ladies’ bags because some of us sometimes put our bags on the floor, and like he said, he knows that means.

Ok, now I’m saying, “ewwww!”

I’ve read other people’s comments on Facebook that aren’t specifically about me, asking why people do this? What’s up with all the self-portraits in public bathrooms? So obviously it’s not just me; I mean, there’s even a Flickr group for that (Damn Hell Bathroom).

But I know that somewhere, out there, someone is asking themselves (about me), “I mean, what’s that chick’s damage with all these pictures in the bathroom?!” (Do people even say “what’s your damage anymore”? I don’t even know what time that’s from. The 90′s? No matter, it’s a funny saying and I like it, so that’s what I imagine people are saying when they’re asking themselves about me and my bathroom self-portrait obsession.)

Ok, so here’s the thing: it’s not an obsession. It’s technically a habit. And, it’s a habit that began with a very specific–noble, if you will–purpose.

Yep, it did.

So here’s the post in which I come clean about my bathroom self-portraits and why I take them. Not that I have to tell anyone, you know, because the most important person already knows. But what the hell: it’s kind of a cool story and it will explain a lot. So after you read this, don’t ask me anymore why I’m always taking my picture in the public bathroom!

This first photo: it’s one of the first of my mirrored self-portraits. It was taken in the elevator at (then) Primedia, where I had just gotten a job. The true love of my life, my daughter, was living forever away, in Philly, with her (then) boyfriend, and I missed her madly. Remember, this is 2005 (in the techworld, where dinosaurs still walked the Earth) and we didn’t have iPhones or Face Time (I have yet to use Face Time based on its name alone.) I’ll bet you could guess that from the supremely crappy quality of this phone. It must have been a Nokia; nothing against Nokia but I think we all went through our own Nokia cameraphone phase, didn’t we?

So everyday, as the elevator rose to whatever floor I was working on (man, I wish I could remember which floor that was, it would really add to the poetry of all of this), I would snap of photo of myself and text it to my daughter with a “hi!” and some x’s and o’s. It was my way of staying in touch with her; it was like she could see me everyday (which is why I always included what I was wearing).

Eventually, as I made more money, I got to show off my handbag collection (which is long gone, btw), or my cool jeans, or my recent haircut, or whatever I was doing without her way over on the West Coast, while she was living her adult life on the East Coast. Without her mom. Boo.

So around 2007 I left that job, but by then she had moved back and was working in the same building. But since we were both living in Long Beach there wasn’t any reason to keep texting my photo to her. Still, I kept up the habit. It was a good habit. It was worth a lot when she was far away. Maybe some day she’ll do this to stay in touch with her kid. Or maybe by then she’ll just strap on her jetpack and fly over for dinner.

So anyway, without the daily routine of going up in the mirrored elevator, I quickly developed a new daily routine; being at In-n-Out everyday at 10am (when they open) to get myself a Diet Coke. And hey! There’s a bathroom in there with a huge clean mirror.

KAPOW! as they say in the comics. I had a new gig.

So now, in no particular order, are some highlights of my In-n-Out (and other locations) public restroom self-portraits. Jen continues to enjoy these (I think), but even if she doesn’t, I know that I have enough…”quirky” friends who love them just as much.

Knock yourself out.

Those are all from 2011. Jeez, I haven’t even gotten to this year’s yet; except here’s today’s photo. The one that started this whole idea. Next time you’re standing in a public restroom, washing your hands and looking in the mirror, think of me.

Oh, wait…that sounded better in my head…